Thursday 12 May 2011

A respectful ending now of our relationship

I was up at 5:30am to meet my dad and his dog Jessie for a walk around the lake at Roundhay Park. As is often the case at that time of day, the sky was clear, though rain has threatened since. There wasn't a whisper of wind and the lake reflected park and sky perfectly. The view had the makings of a fine one thousand piece jigsaw.

Back home, after a little breakfast, I caught up on some telly on the BBC iPlayer. On a whim I watched Wonderland - The Trouble With Love and Sex. I hadn't seen an episode of Wonderland before, so I didn't know what to expect. I was quite taken with the concept - the voices belonged to real people who'd agreed to be taped during their counselling sessions at Relate, and the footage was a cartoon interpretation. It was insightful to listen to these sessions, with the nuances of body language and expression heightened by the cartoon characters, seeing them immersed at times in the imagery from their psyche.

There was a point in the documentary where the counsellor reads a letter out to the young man who he as been helping. It is written as if by the young man, and addressed to the dark voice that became the focus of their counselling sessions, the voice of the young man's insecurities, the voice that whispers 'you'll fail', 'you don't deserve it', and 'end it all.' As he starts to read it I'm cringing, it is so fake and silly...

Dear Darker Influence,

RE: Thank you for services supplied, and a respectful ending now of our relationship.

Since I was born you have protected me from adult couple relationships by ensuring I never became committed before I was ready.

During our time together you have shown me how much I appreciate my life. Amongst other things you did this by pushing me to even consider suicide.

That you engaged in this high risk strategy with someone you loved is testament to how much you believed I did value my life, and when ready would make the changes I dreamed of.

Now with your help I feel ready to engage in a meaningful couple relationship.

Hence this letter is to tell you I no longer need your services.

With much love, affection and thanks,

Good bye.


...then the words reach something locked inside me. Suddenly I'm in tears, my expression mirroring the face of the cartoon man, as this psychobabble works its hocus pocus on me. The words I absorb aren't quite the words spoken, as they're internalised to suit my situation.

I feel liberated. Giddy with relief. A weight is literally lifted from my shoulders. I can breathe deeply.

I can let go.

1 comment:

  1. This is the the *only* place on the whole internet that has bothered to transcribe this letter. Thanks!

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