The reality of my situation

I’m nearly at the end of my two week vacation. The second week has been spoilt somewhat. My team leader texted on Tuesday asking to speak to me. It was Wednesday before we actually managed to catch up, so I spent a day uneasy, wondering what was so urgent my holiday had to be interrupted. I was told that I’ll be put on the rota starting the Monday I return from holiday. The call was a courtesy to let me know.

Each person in the team spends a week on the rota. If something goes wrong out of hours, the problem will be escalated to the on-call person. I’ve been very concerned since it became apparent that they intended to include me in the rota. I could get a phone call at any time during the evening, night, or weekend with a problem so intractable that it has to be escalated.

I’m going through life at the moment trying to act as though everything is ok, that I’m fine, and fully recovered. The truth is that I’m barely getting by. I fill my personal time with tasks in order to keep my mind away from the reality of my situation. I use a variety of coping strategies to try and stay in an emotional neutral zone, and I do everything I can to ensure I sleep well.

My fear is that by the end of a week of being on call 24 hours a day, I will be stressed out and sleep deprived by escalations. I’m at the upper edge of my coping envelope – if I’m pushed beyond that threshold, well, I’m terrified by that prospect. I know from experience that when depression descends, despair sucks you down to a place where there is no way out. Well, there is always one way out. The final egress. The turnstile that only goes one way.

I tried to explain this to the occupational health doctor, but he believes I should try three cycles of the rota, and if I don’t cope then they’ll look at taking me off it. I’m frankly astounded at his casual attitude. I suppose he can be philosophical if it turns out he’s wrong, but the consequences for me – well…

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