A sardine situation was achieved

The seats were all taken this morning when I boarded the train, so I chose my spot to stand. As the train chugged from station to station it became quite crowded until a sardine situation was achieved.

I find standing quite a trial, after 10 minutes my feet are in agony. I don't exaggerate. It isn't as though I'm in silly shoes. Au contraire, I'm in black flat lace-up 6x wide comfy shoes. It's not easy finding such a thing believe me, (but deliver to us from ParcelForce, for thine is the Google, and the eBay, and the Amazon, for ever and ever.)

Walking I'm fine, but standing is torture. It's all because of my weight I know. If you're an ideal body weight then you'd have to find a large rucksack and fill it until it massed the same as yourself and wear that all day to get a feel for what it is like. Even then it wouldn't be quite the same - unless you have size 5 feet. Pressure is force over area, so the small feet thing is pertinent. It's the same equation that explains why a person in stilettos exerts as much pressure on the floor as an elephant.

Losing weight would be a good idea, but I just can't bring my will to bear. Medically my prognosis is pretty poor. In 5 years it could be game over. So self-denial doesn't tend to win any battles. Can't imagine lying in a hospice bed wishing I'd gone hungry and put in more time at the gym to become a perfect size 10. Might as well enjoy the cream buns while I can eh?

Joyous thoughts. Today will be a difficult day. An appointment with the company doctor where I hope to persuade him to let me return to full hours, which (personal antipathy aside) should be ok. Then off to the hospital for a raft of tests to see if the cancer has reappeared. I won't get the results until next week when I see the consultant. Having said that - bad news travels fast - I'd probably hear sooner if there were a problem.

Ho hum.

Recently I've been relishing life, enjoying the encroaching spring, and revelling in all the minutiae of day to day activities. Today I'm flat and emotionally shutdown. The wacky world hasn't got my heart singing but neither can despair, fear or worry touch me.

I endure.

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