I have felt so silenced

I am quite alone in this life. It was not always so. How that statement must echo in all our heads. Once I was young, a blank page, full of optimism, unchallenged by life's dark nature. Time has passed since then, and I find myself battered by the successive waves that have threatened to overwhelm me. Washed up on shore, a survivor, but barely drawing breath, I whimper "I don't want this."

In a coffee shop, watching the calm Thames flow by, I find my will gathering.

I have been single now for some years. I have felt so silenced. There is no one with whom to share the trivial insights and quirks I observe as I travel throughout the day. Solitary holidays hold no appeal, likewise restaurant dining. An inveterate people watcher, I am purposeless if these thoughts are trapped in my head to wither and die unheard. All things novel now have sorrow attendant.

Sometimes we are truly startled by another's perspective which so dramatically clashes with our own world view, and yet such contrary ideas can be the horn call that brings down the walls hedging our mind. So it was last week during dinner with Jonathan. He was telling me how a recent relationship had made him feel crowded. He explained that alone he felt no pressure to talk and he revelled in his secret insights. Eating out on his own was fun, "Don't feel sorry for me - I'm having a great time on my lonesome" was his thought on catching the eye of other restaurant patrons.

So contrary to my own world view, I have been mulling this ever since. I still have an urge to share my thoughts, but perhaps my audience can be my own good self, via the auspices of this blog. I can humour myself that my humble mutterings might one day find a broader audience, but today I do this for me.

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