Harmless dreams of mayhem

I was ambushed by my dreams last night. I dreamt that I was getting bad news - that I was terminally ill. It was upsetting enough to wake me up, and 15 hours later I can't get the dream out of my head.

It prompted me to check out Wikipedia (hallowed be thy url, thy webpages rock.) There are many theories about dreams. Freud suggested that bad dreams let the brain learn to gain control over emotions resulting from distressing experiences.

Something I've noticed over the past year or two is that often as I get into bed and my head hits the pillow I have a flashback to the previous night's dream - usually just an emotional echo, perhaps with a fleeting image. I thought I was just strange but apparently not as I learnt from my Wikipedia reading (lead us not into error, but deliver us from ignorance.) "For some people, vague images or sensations from the previous night's dreams are sometimes spontaneously experienced in falling asleep."

Last year I dreamt that I was entering a hospice, knowing I wouldn't be leaving. In the dream I was calm, but when I woke I was really distressed. I avoided sleep for about a week after that, going to bed only when utterly exhausted at 3am and getting up at 6am. My feeling was if that's what sleep has in store, then frankly stuff it, I'd rather do without.

I have to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight - I've got to be up early in order to catch the train to London in the morning. Choosing not to sleep is not an option.

Receiving a terminal illness diagnosis, entering a hospice - these are things I dream about because they are very likely to happen at some point in my future. I inherited a dicky gene, so my body doesn't make a particular protein whose purpose is to repair damaged DNA. Sucks to be me huh?

In my waking hours I have a handle on things. I cope. I have mental tricks that keep me sane. I'm on guard. When I'm asleep - then I'm defenceless and vulnerable - I can be ambushed.

I have plenty of wacky dreams: murder, mayhem, aliens, and just plain weirdness. I enjoy all that. Usually that "head hitting pillow flashback" is warm & happy, and I close my eyes looking forward to more of the same.

That's what I need tonight - some harmless dreams of mayhem and destruction.

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